Words that Comfort & Words that Hurt Someone going through Cancer

Cancer changes everything for the person going through it and for those close to them. Cancer just doesn't only affect the body, it touches all aspects of life including relationships. 

I've experienced it from both sides, trying to be supportive to a friend going through Cancer and also navigating my own fear, uncertainty and physical challenges through my own diagnosis.

Due to the high Cancer rates we all know someone who has been touched by Cancer, whether it is a loved one, family member, friend or colleague. As per Irish Cancer Society more than 44,000 people in Ireland get cancer each year.

Words Do Matter - but it is not always easy to know what to say - or more importantly what the right thing to say is

Words to Say

• 'I'm here for You' - just a simple expression can be more than enough - showing you are there - no judgement - no advice - just 'Here'. Just sitting while they rest or sending a text to check in with expectation is enough. Don't try to fix anything just be present.
• 'I care about You' - a heartfelt gesture beyond treatment - showing your feelings and that you are rooting for them - say how you feel - it matters. Now more than ever it matters to know people have your back.
• Can I help with 'name a specific task' e.g. drives to appointments, childminding, grocery shopping, dinners, housekeeping. Be specific - not just 'can I help?' or 'let me know if I can do something' - name what you can do. - it removes the burden of asking or bothering someone.
• 'I'm thinking of You' - Say it, Text it, Email it, Send a Card, Send a Care Package to let them know they are in your thoughts. It can brighten up a bad day.

Words NOT to Say

• 'Everything happens for a reason' - you may believe this - but it's not helpful - even though there is no negative intent - it dismisses the cancer reality and the pain and suffering they are going through - that you may be unaware of.
• 'Stay Positive' or 'Don't Worry' - while it is encouraging and well-intended - it is a very common phrase that people say, when then don't know what else to say and it can get overused and overheard which turns irritating e.g. 'If I hear that one more time I am going to crack up.' It is healthy to process all emotions, so instead be supportive through the sadness, anger and fear they are all valid and need to be processed.
• 'I know how You Feel' - You have absolutely NO idea how anybody feels, even if you have had a similar journey, no two journeys are the same. Cancer effects everyone differently, there are similarities, but it is presumptuous to think you know how someone feels. It is more constructive to Listen and validate their emotions with judgement.
• 'At least ...' or 'It could be worse' - why it may be true - its not the time to say it - unintentionally you are minimising what is going on for them in their Cancer diagnosis - making them feel they should be thankful with their diagnosis. The person with the Cancer diagnosis can say it, but it's not helpful to say it to them.
• 'I know someone with the same Cancer' - especially if a negative story follows - again this may be said to try and be helpful or lost for words. Remember all Cancers are not equal. 10 people with the same diagnosis can have 10 different reactions, outcomes, treatment damage etc. Don't compare.

From personal experience the simplest of words can be powerful, receiving a text or card from someone unexpectedly can give you the lift you need. Receiving a Care package in the post can be uplifting and thoughtful.

While visiting bring an item that is useful and comforting - that can show you care and offering something that may be of assistance to them. For a detailed guide what you could put in your Care Package - I have written a Blog with practical tips to make your gift meaningful. 

Be a Good Listener - Respect when they need space and don't take it personal.